My guide to Karaoke

Last night was the fourth time in my life I have indulged in Karaoke. I'm not the world's best singer, but I'm not the worst. I tend to save my bouts of singing for the car and for playtime with Isha. As my time in Philadelphia draws to a close, a few of us decided to use that as an excuse for an evening out. It was fun. My guide to Karaoke success follows.

Tip 1 Know whether you're a singer or a trier

Karaoke singers fall into two groups - those with fantastic singing voices, those who are prepared to try their best regardless. Make sure you know which category you come under and select your song accordingly.

Tip 2 Know your crowd

I chose to sing that Britpop classic, "Parklife" by Blur. It was a hit in 1994 and I have fond memories of my first term at University walking across our college quad (not as grand as quads in other colleges but a quad nonetheless) bellowing "Parklife" in a Mockney accent that Dick Van Dyke would have coveted. Alas, I'm not sure that anyone in the audience had heard of Blur let alone this timeless singalong classic.

Tip 3 Know your precarious balance between Squiffy and Slurry

Some people are natural born extroverts and will get up and sing/ dance/ perform at their first opportunities. Some people need a little squiffinss first. However, if you're too squiffy it's not going to be easy to navigate your way from your seat to the stage, let alone read the lyrics and ennunciate them the way your chosen songwriter intended. At the point when Karaoke has descended into all round singalong, the balance does not matter. At any other time of the evening, this balance is crucial.

Tip 4 Know the audience's precarious balance between Sq and Sl

A stone cold sober audience is a hard crowd to please. If you're too good, they'll hate you for singing so well, if you're bad they'll hate you for wasting their time. If they don't know the song, they'll hate you but they won't know why. If they know the song, they'll hate you because they wanted to sing it.

However, if the balance is tipped too far the other way, they'll be too drunk to listen.

You want them drunk enough to applaud anything and appreciate you whether you're a tryer or a singer.

Tip 5 Try it in a bar in a city in a country that you about to leave

It worked for me